More Absurd Than Passions
by KelleBelle1981
Summary: Spike's baaaaaack! What a surprise. Badfic. Sillyfic. Stupidfic. Not to be taken seriously. Did the Scoobies really change over the summer? Can we take much more of rerun hell?


More Absurd Than Passions by Kelley (beanyb1999@hotmail.com)

Rating:  PG-13 (just a guess)

Spoilers:  Everything in season six.  Based on writer interviews, rumors, speculations, and personal interests of fans who are forced to wait four, long, torture-filled months to find out what happens.  Who will save Angel from the bottom of the ocean, and will Cordelia be able to return from the…ooops, wrong television show.  So, what is Spike really like with a soul?  And will his hair continue to stick straight up like that?

Feedback:  Yes, please!  No flames though.  

Disclaimer:  All characters from "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" belong to Joss Whedon (who has left us to work on his new show "Firefly"), Mutant Enemy, FOX, and whoever else contributes to the events we were forced to watch unfold before us in season six.  You know what I'm talking about!  **coughdoublemeatpalacesmashedwreckedcough**  Therefore, I'm taking Spike away from them because they don't treat him right.  That's correct, ME!  He's all mine now!  **drools at the sight of the famous washboard abs and oh-so-sexy cheekbones** 

Summary:  This all takes place some time after the season finale in an alternate universe far, far away…or is it really that far off?  What do you get when you mix a soulful vampire poet, a key-like mini-slayer with super shiny hair, a recovering ex-witch, a friendly, floppy-eared demon, a dead witch with aspirations of haunting houses, a vengeance demon not hell-bent on getting vengeance, a twice-dead, super-whiny Slayer, an ex-Watcher with eyes for a certain vengeance demon, and a Super Zeppo with eyes for earlier said vengeance demon?  A soap opera more absurd than "Passions."

A/N:  I wrote this at the beginning of the summer, right after the Season finale.  I then chickened out and decided not to post it.  Then, I read it to some of my friends and they told me to post it.  So, now I'm posting it.  Please, no flames though!  If you don't like it, don't be mean about it.  

**********************************************************************

Spike swaggered out of the super-mysterious cave right after the sun set about four months after his soul was returned to him.  He pulled a brochure from the back pocket of his very tight black jeans and glared.  Whoever said this would make a great vacation spot was a total liar!  

A lost, very large, very loud, scary bee buzzed around the top of his head even though it was dark outside and bees weren't known for their nighttime excursions.  Maybe it was a vampire bee!  Shrugging, Spike swatted the little bugger away from his head, killing it instantly with a blow from his manly, vampire strength hand.

Suddenly, the now soulful vampire cried out in pain.  Not because the bee stung him.  Nope.  He cried out, for Spike had the misfortune of killing a live creature, and therefore felt tremendous guilt for ending a life so suddenly.  Well, that, and he still had the chip in his head.  So, whatever pain he felt in his heart, he felt in his head as well.  Man, it must suck being a vampire with a soul and a chip.  And Angel thought he had it rough.

After holding a funeral service for the dead bee, Spike wiped his fat tears from his sculpted cheekbones, and stood up.  Taking a few moments to gain his composure back, he walked to his motorcycle, which he had parked at the entrance of the little town.  His main goal was to get back to Sunnydale before sunrise.  

He got on the motorcycle and turned it on.  He smiled because he knew a motorcycle wasn't the only thing turned on by him.  Aaaah, yeah.  He rode off into the darkness.  "Sunnydale, here I come," he muttered.

*****

Buffy walked over to Spike's crypt, wanting to speak with Clem.  She knocked on the door, but did not receive an answer.  Shrugging, she knocked again, and still with the silence on the other end.  She put her ear up to the door, and sighed.  The door smelled like Spike.  Or maybe that was just his duster that she smelled.  After he left, she noticed his duster was still around and decided to wear it because HELLO!  Free leather jacket!

She opened the door slowly so as not to startle the jumpy demon in case he was engrossed in a movie or something.

"Clem?"

She looked in.  No one was there.  She frowned and bit her lip, then started thinking of Spike again, and wondered where he was.  She hadn't gotten any all summer.  She needed some sexy vampire love, and she needed it now!

"Clem?" she asked again.  Then she started to wonder where he was.  She didn't think about that the first time she called out his name because she'd been busy thinking about Spike.

Figuring out he wasn't anywhere nearby (DUH!), she closed the door and headed back home.  There was no use in waiting around.  He'd been absent all summer though.  And no one had broken into Spike's crypt amazingly.

*****

"Hi-yaaaaaaaaaaah!" Dawn shrieked, striking a pose.  She struck numerous other poses before finding one she liked.  "Take that, vampire!"  She pulled out a stake from her long, very shiny hair and staked the air.  Practice does make perfect after all.

"Dawn," Giles said, pinching the top of his nose.  "How many times do I have to tell you not you hide stakes in your hair?"

Dawn sighed and smiled at the ex-Watcher, batting her eyes.  "Giiiiiiles!  It's the only place I can find to hide them!  I can't help it if Buffy is willing to hide her stakes in unmentionable parts of her body.  Hello!  Still a virgin here!"  She cringed her key-like nose at the thought of Buffy and sex, but remembered that her sister had slept with like four guys so far.

"Okay.  Fine.  Just uh…"  He stopped when he saw Anya walk into the newly remodeled Magic Shop and smiled.  "Do whatever.  I need to go talk to Anya."

"Come back come back COME BACK!" Dawn cried.  "Don't forget to pay attention to me!"

Anya and Giles stared at the teenage ball of energy with blank looks on their faces.

"Hello, Dawn!  That was so pre-summer!" the elder Summers sister exclaimed.

"Yeah!  And I thought I'd change my mantra this year!"  Dawn looked to her sister.  "Where did you come from?"

Buffy tilted her head in confusion at her sister's question.

Dawn rolled her eyes.  "Wheeeeen diiiiiiid youuuuuuuu geeeeeeet heeeeeeeeeeere?" she asked slowly so Buffy would understand.

"Oh, I just got here.  I came through the sewers," Buffy said, nodding her head up and down.  She pimp walked to the round table and propped her leg up on the tabletop.

"And why did you do that?" the younger Summers sister asked the black clad Slayer.

"Geez, Dawn!  Nosy much?" Buffy responded.

"Whatever," Dawn huffed.

"Say, would any of you happen to know where Clem is?  I've been stopping by Spike's crypt all summer to talk to him…uh, Clem, and he's been gone every single time I've gone over there.  What's up with that?  Where is he?" Buffy asked with the speed of an oncoming locomotive.  

"Oooh!  I know, I know!" Dawn yelled.  She smiled at her sister.

Buffy waited.  And waited.  And waited some more.  Finally, she rolled her Slayer-like eyes and gave in.  "Where is he, Dawnie?"

"He's at Rack's place!"

"What?" Buffy asked in shock.

"He's still at Rack's place.  Remember?  That's how I got there.  He helped me find the place.  He stayed in the waiting room while I went inside to talk to Rack about Willow, and Willow had already gotten to him first?  Then we were all of a sudden here, and I guess he's still there.  Do you think maybe someone should go get him?"

"That might be a nice idea, Dawn," Giles said in a very Giles-like manner.  He then took off his glasses and began to rub them, but remembered that he was an avid contact wearer now, and he was rubbing the air.  Boy did he feel stupid!

Suddenly, music could be heard in the distance and it was getting louder, which meant that it was getting closer.  Instantly, the door burst open, followed by a rather large, white puff of smoke.  And then there was a little coughing and a little swearing, but the fog machine was successfully turned off.  And in walked Xander.  He struck a very superhero like pose and grinned devilishly.  It made him look like Bruce Campbell, actually.

"Here I am!" Xander cried.  "What seems to be the trouble today, people," he boomed.

Dawn, Buffy, Anya, and Giles laughed jolly laughs and waved frantically, all hoping for a little attention from Super!Xander.

Xander strutted in and stopped in the middle of the room, striking another superhero pose.  The Summers women sighed in awe and Anya really wanted sex at the moment.  Giles laughed (but not a condescending laugh) and patted Super!Xander on the back.

"Oh, Xander!  It's so good to see you here," Dawn said, batting her eyes at the Super Zeppo in admiration.

"Yes, yes, little one," he replied with a super cheesy grin and a pat on her head.  "How goes the training, mini-slayer?"

Dawn turned her head to look up at Super!Xander, and due to the arrangement of ceiling lights, temporarily blinded everyone else in the room, except for Super!Xander, of course.  "It's soooo cool!  I hide stakes in my hair."

Xander smiled fondly at the young girl.  He patted her head again, and went to sit in a chair next to the black clad Slayer, pimp walking all the way to the table.

Everyone stared expectantly at the Super Scooby.

"Come!  Come and sit everyone!  And bring the books of research with you!  There is much work to be done.  Now, let's fight our evil monster of the week!" Super!Xander commanded in a powerful, deep voice.

Dawn immediately went to a chair while Anya and Giles grabbed the books of research, which were also remodeled to look as ancient and dusty as they were pre-explosion.  They sat the books on the table, and they all began to look through the books.  

Miraculously, they not only found the monster of the week they were facing now, but a scheduled lineup of future monsters of the week they would face very soon.  And they were on the first page they looked, which was even more amazing.  

*****

Spike finally pulled up to the "Welcome to Sunnydale" sign and threw an arm up in victory as he drove past it.  He was amazed at the time it took him to drive from Africa to Sunnydale on his stolen motorcycle.  Hmmm, now that he had a soul, maybe he should consider giving back the motorcycle, or at least buying the family a new one.   He looked up at the sky, and being able to judge time because he was a vampire and could smell it, he knew only an hour had passed since he'd left the cave in Africa.  And it was night in Sunnydale!  Spectacular!

He revved the engine all the way to the graveyard.  He tried to keep the noise down in respect for the dead though because there were probably a few of his victims buried in the same cemetery.  Finally, he arrived to his crypt after being away from it for four long months.  He walked in and noticed cobwebs all over the place.  He shrugged, figuring Clem must have gotten tired of waiting around for him to get back.  Oh well.

He flopped his sexy arse down on the dusty sofa, and coughed when dust filled his nostrils and invaded his lungs.  Weird.  A vampire who coughs.  

He turned on the television, flipping the channel to find "Passions."  Lo and behold, his favorite soap opera was on, despite the fact that it was nighttime and "Passions" is a daytime soap opera.  It was Timmy Time!

An hour later, the door to his crypt burst open.  He turned his head to yell at the intruder, but noticed something familiar about the creature.  He tilted his head as the trespasser closed the door.  This was bizarre.  Who was he looking at?  What was so familiar about this intruder?

His intruder turned around and jumped back after seeing Spike on the sofa.  "Spike!  When did you get back?"

Spike raised an eyebrow.  "Just now, mate.  Who are you?"

"You don't recognize me?"

Spike shook his head.

"Crap!  I knew I must look different.  I haven't eaten a single thing in four months!"

Spike looked at the obviously starving individual, and felt pity.  "Uh, that's not…good."  He studied the being further, the familiarity slamming his brain like an oncoming semi.  Those pants, that shirt, those eyes, the tight skin, those floppy ears…wait.  "Clem?!?!?!" he cried with a horrified look.

"Bingo, buddy!" Clem said.

"What?  How?  What?"  Spike was unable to form words other than the ones that were questions and began with "W" or "H".

Clem nodded sadly.  "I've been sitting in the waiting room at Rack's place for four months now.  Then I finally realized that Dawn wasn't in the room with him anymore, and decided to leave.  Plus, Rack is kind of…dead, anyway, so I just thought I'd skidaddle before something bad happened."

"What?  Who?  What?"  Still with the "Ws" and the "Hs".  

"Spike, something the matter?"

Spike couldn't even form words this time.  His mouth moved up and down and made him look like a fish.

"Spike?  Hey!  Did you have a nice vacation?"

Spike rolled his eyes.  "Bloody hell!  It's was 'orrible, mate!"

"Did you bring anything back with you?"

Spike raised a very sexy eyebrow at Clem, which made Clem nervous.  Spike took off his black button-down shirt.  Clem searched the room with his eyes.  Oookay.  After taking off the top shirt, he pulled off his skin-tight black shirt underneath.  Clem closed his eyes.  "All right!  That's enough, buddy!"

"Clem, don't be bloody ridiculous.  Open your eyes."

Clem slowly opened his eyes and looked at Spike.  He noticed Spike still had on another t-shirt, but it was white and almost matched his skin, so he wasn't sure what he was looking at for a moment.  Then he understood.  A novelty t-shirt!  He stepped closer to look at the writing on it, and read it aloud.  "I went to Africa, and all I got was this lousy soul."  He looked up.  "You got a soul?"

Spiked nodded, a look of pain crossing his captivating blue eyes, which were glazed over with tears that were threatening to spill out.  His jaw was clenched, making his chiseled cheekbones really stick out.

Clem patted Spike on the back and smiled.  "Hey!  Look on the bright side.  Next time the Slayer calls you an evil, soulless creature, you can rip of your top layers of shirts and show her this as well.  Maybe she'll be impressed."

Spike shrugged and ran his hands through his hair.  "Zoinks, mate!" he cried in alarm.  "My hair's feelin' a little slack!  I need to get some nancy-boy hair gel!"  With that, he ran from the crypt and to the nearest store he could find.

Clem chuckled.  "Crazy kid."

*****

Spike dropped 27 five-pound containers of hair gel, and 35 smaller containers of on-the-go hair gel in front of the cashier.  " S'cuse me.  Will you be getting any more of this stuff shipped in any time soon?"

The cashier gaped at the soulful vampire, only he didn't know he was a soulful vampire because he didn't know Spike was a vampire anyway.  "Sorry sir," the young man creaked.  He was going through puberty, so his voice was cracking a lot.  It was just really embarrassing, but Spike didn't mock him.  Now that he had a soul, he knew mocking the poor boy would surely lessen his confidence, and Spike knew he needed to strive to be a better man…pire.  The boy rang up Spike's hair gel and sighed when the intimidating, yet captivating customer left the store.

Spike decided to drop his newly acquired hair gel off at his crypt.  He had somewhere to go.  First though, he stopped by Doublemeat Palace to pick up some food for his emaciated demon friend that was sitting in his crypt.  

Arms full, he kicked the door to his crypt open, and startled Clem.  He quickly apologized, handing Clem his much-needed nourishment, and setting his hair gel on his bed before running off again.

He ran at top vampire speed towards the Magic Box.  He wanted to do a little research on his soul, because this being Sunnydale, you can research pretty much anything and it will always be found in a dusty tome.  He just hoped Buffy didn't decide to bitch slap his ass up and down Main Street for coming back.  He'd just gotten finished applying hair gel to his hair, and didn't want it to get messed up.  Plus, he really didn't feel like getting bitch slapped.  He knew he would deserve it though.  He was a bad, rude man, after all.

*****

"HAHAHA!" Super!Xander boomed, his mighty laughter echoing through the entire building, which caused the cabinets to shake slightly.

Everyone had gotten a good laugh from looking at the demons they would all be fighting at some point this year before ultimately facing the big bad around the beginning of summer.  The demons all looked worse than the one from the previous week.  It really was a riot.

Willow trudged into the shop, carrying a large basket in her arms.

"Hi, Willow, oh fellow Scooby!" the group chimed at once.

Willow stopped and half-smiled at them.  She sighed.  Magic shop.  Magic.  Magic is evil.  Magic shop.  Magic isn't evil.  Magic is addictive.  Suddenly, her pupils grew larger, and not because she was consuming any dark magicks.  Then she started to tremble a bit, and almost began to panic.  She peered into the large basket she was carrying, and thanked Crayola for making so many yellow crayons.  They were a true blessing, and the basket-full was a get well present from the thoughtful Scoobies.

"We're doing research," Anya offered.  "We found every demon we have to fight this year.  Isn't that great?  And look, we have pictures!" she exclaimed, holding up a book for Willow to see.

Willow's eyes widened at the sight of one of the "scary" demons they were supposed to fight and snorted from laughter.  Ridiculous!

"Come sit, Wills!" Super!Xander commanded, patting a seat next to him.

She sat down next to her bestest friend in the whole wide world.  She knew he loved her.  He told the yellow crayon story.  God, she was such a sap!

The Scoobies all looked around the table at each other, and smiled.  They had each changed over the summer.  Dawn was a mini-slayer in training, and getting very mature.  Willow was back to wearing clothes she found on the softer side of Sears, thankful the lace was no longer a major threat to her style.  Giles had pretty much stayed the same, but there wasn't much improvement needed when it came to him.  Anya was still afraid of bunnies, but at least she and Xander were back on speaking terms.  Buffy had found peace with herself and the things that had occurred between her and Spike last year.  Xander now had super powers, and was a lot more open-minded as well.

Good thing too, because at that moment, Spike walked in the door.

"Spike!" Dawn squealed at a dangerously high pitch.

"Spike, you're back," Captain Obvious, AKA; Anya stated.

"Oh dear lord," Giles murmured.

"Get out of here you evil, disgusting thing!" Buffy hollered.

"Vampire!  Vampire!  I must beat him up!" Super!Xander exclaimed.

Well, so much for the big change they all supposedly went through.  Super!Xander rushed Spike head on, knocking him down, making him hit his head on the door.

"Ow!" Spike whined.  "Geez, whelp!  Watch the hair!"

"Super!Xander, get off him," Dawn cried out.

Spike gawked, and then laughed.  "Super!Xander, eh?"

"Yeah, fangless.  How do you like it now?  How does it feel to be on the other end of my verbal and physical beating, you pathetic excuse for a creature!"  Xander had managed to revert back to Season Six Xander, but still retained his super powers.

"About the same as it did last year, monkeyboy," Spike reminded him.

Xander punched Spike.  "Take that, you monster!"  He nodded.  "Who's the buttmonkey now, bitch?"

Spike looked up at Super!Xander slowly, tears streaming down his cheeks.

This pleased Xander to no end.  "Ah yeah.  Can you smell what the Super!Xander is cooking?"  He laughed at his joke because he lived in his own little world.  Everyone else laughed at his joke because he did, and because he was Super!Xander.  They did not admit the joke was way over their heads however.

Spike raised a sexy eyebrow at the boy despite the fact he was sobbing and snot was running down his nose.

"Ewww!  Spike!  Stop with the water works already.  Geez!" Xander exclaimed.  "You're gonna get snot on my superhero costume.  And DO NOT raise that mesmerizing eyebrow at me, buddy.  I know what you're all about."  A look of terror crossed Xander's face due to the fact he had just channeled his inner Cordelia.  

This did not go unnoticed by the rest of the Scoobies who were staring at Xander with wide eyes.

"Xander, you made Spike cry," Anya pointed out.  "That's not nice."

Buffy tilted her head as a thought crossed her mind.  "Spike.  Crying.  Tears.  Water.  Pain.  Angst.  Angst.  Angel.  Ocean.  Angel.  ANGEL!"  She shook her head.  "Why does lots of water suddenly make me think of Angel?" she asked out loud.

Everyone in the room shrugged, including Spike and Xander.  

"Spike.  Crying.  Tears.  Water.  Pain.  Angst.  Angst.  Angel.  Ocean.  Angel.  ANGEL!"  Buffy cried cheerfully.

"We heard you the first time," Dawn said sarcastically.  She waved her shiny hair around, the long tendrils hitting Willow and knocking her and her get well yellow crayons to the floor.  

Willow frantically tried to pick up every crayon as quickly as possible.  Then she started to recite a spell to get them all in the basket and then she remembered what the yellow crayons were for and what happened the last time she used magic, and decided to pick the yellow sticks of wax by hand.  See what happens when you lose focus?  She was happy that she had her support group, "Wiccas Warring With Magic Addiction and How the Yellow Crayon Will Be Our Savior One Day" helping her with her problem.

Xander finally decided to get up, allowing Spike to stand as well.

Buffy was in her own world trying to figure out what Angel had to do with Spike and why she kept thinking of her soulful ex-lover every time she thought of water.  Did Spike compete in a wet t-shirt contest this summer?  

"Spike, what are you doing here?" Dawn finally asked.

"Well, Bit, I need to do a little research."

"Then this is the place to be," Anya said with a nod of her head.  "Unless Super!Xander still tries to kill you.  Then this isn't really the place to be."

"Thanks.  I'll keep that in mind, pet."  He turned his head slowly towards the Slayer who was still staring off into space, and repeating the whole Angel thing to herself.  Suddenly he felt immense guilt and fell to his knees, where he burst into tears.  "Oh, the horror!  The horror!  I can't take it anymore!  This is 'orrible.  Woe is me!  I must brood now and reapply my hair gel so I'll feel better.  Excuse me while I go lurk in a dark corner!"  He looked up to the sky and beat his chest a la Celine Dion.  "Why?  Why?  Whyyyyyyyy?"  He slowly stood and walked to a dank, dark corner and sank down, sitting on his ass.

The gang had grown quiet and were all staring at Spike with blank expressions.  A few crickets could be heard, and tumbleweed blew across their path.  

Buffy, who was still trying to put the puzzle in her tiny head together, was the only one who didn't notice Spike's display, and therefore missed a clue.  "Scooby Doo!  Where are youuuuuuuuuu?"

This time, everyone took their attention off Spike and focused on the Slayer.  Even Spike took a moment to stop brooding and hair gelling to glance at Buffy.  Buffy.  Buffy wearing his black duster.  Oh boy.

Shaking their heads, the group with the exception of Spike and Buffy went about business as usual.  Dawn began practicing her moves again.  Super!Xander practiced his strut around the room, and began messing with the faulty fog machine that ruined his almost perfect entrance.  Anya and Giles did Magic Shop stuff.  Willow sat at the table and stared blankly at her basket of yellow crayons, silently chanting some helpful words from her "WWWMAaHtYCWBOSOD" group.  "I get that.  I get that.  I get that.  I get that.  I get that."  She kept saying the words quietly, and found herself calming down while at the same time kneading the crayons with her hands.

"To be, or not to be.  That is the question.  Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or by opposing in them, to die, to sleep…"

Spike had started quoting "Hamlet" as best he could remember, going back to his poet side.  Everyone was impressed and applauded when Spike trailed off after "sleep."

"Erm, thanks.  I'm sure I didn't get that exactly right, but your applause has 'elped my confidence in many ways.  Wait a second."  He glared.  He was pretty sure he'd mutilated that speech as badly as one of Angelus' victims were mutilated before he was all soul-having.  Then he shrugged.  Whatever.  He went back to his brooding and hair gelling.

"Spike, what did you come here to research?" Giles suddenly asked.

Spike looked up at the ex-Watcher and sighed an unnecessary breath.  "Well, a lot happened while I was away, so I should probably tell you what happened."

"You're telling me!" Dawn exclaimed.  "A lot happened here too.  Buffy almost died…again.  The world almost ended…again.  It was crazy, I tell ya!  Just crazy!"  

Luckily, Willow hadn't heard Dawn speaking due to her overwhelming desire to ignore anything magical in the Magic Box or she would have joined Spike in the corner and had a contest with him to see who could brood the most.

"And it's a story best left for later," the suddenly very mature key-like mini-Slayer with very shiny hair stated.

"Right," Spike added.  "Why?"

Anya pointed to Willow and whispered to Spike loudly, "Tara died and Willow went all evil with the magicks and killed Warren because he was the one who shot Tara, and he shot Buffy too, and then she got all vengeancy and consumed lots of mojo and tried to end the world, but Xander saved the world by telling her a yellow crayon story, hence the reason she carries around a box of yellow crayons now.  But we'll talk about it later."

Giles cleared his throat and shook his head at Anya.

"And why is the whelp suddenly known as Super!Xander?"

"He's the one that faced down Willow, and we think some of her magic stuff got in him and now he's got super powers," Anya supplied.

"Yay," Spike replied, twirling a sexy finger in the air.

"Hey, I'll have you know that I'm no longer the buttmonkey, Deadboy Junior."

"Yes, you've mentioned that, I believe," Spike mumbled, upset that he not only had a soul and a chip, but that Xander was now like ten times stronger than he used to be and could beat the royal crap out of Spike with more ease.  Life sucks!

"So, where'd you go off to?" Anya asked.

"Africa."

"Africa?  Why Africa?"

Spike looked at the curious vengeance demon.  "I went there to see a demon about getting' the sodding chip outta my head."

"Oh no!" Anya said, covering her mouth.  "Spike's chipless!"

"This sounds like a job for Super!Xander!" Super!Xander yelled.

"I AM NOT CHIPLESS!" Spike got out as quickly as possible.

"Oh.  Sorry.  Never mind.  He's still got the chip."  Anya looked at Xander and gave him two thumbs up and a large smile.

"So, if you aren't chipless, then what happened?" Giles asked.

"IgotmybloodysoulandnowIfeellikeapoofterlikeAngel," Spike muttered quickly.

"Who let what dog out where and when?" Xander asked.

Spike snorted and rolled his eyes.  "I got my bloody soul, you twit!"  Amazing how he didn't feel horrible when he insulted Xander.

"Spikey wikey has a souley wouley now?" Xander mocked.

"Yeeeeeah.  Lucky me, eh?  I even had to go out and buy hair gel."

"I thought your hair was starting to look a little like Angel's, except for the fact that it's still bleached blonde." Dawn said.

Even more amazing was the fact that Spike's hair stayed its bleachy color even though he stayed in the cave for four months.

"So, you have a soul AND a chip?  Wow, sucks to be you," Anya remarked.

Everyone nodded in agreement.

"And you want to research it?" Giles asked.  "Why?"

Spike shrugged.  "Cuz you bloody scoobies research everything anyway."

Once again, they all nodded in agreement.  They really needed lives though.

A few minutes later, they were sitting around the table, silently researching because that's what they do.  Buffy was still in her own little world though.

"Why do we have to do this?" Xander complained.

"What are we looking for?" Anya asked.

"Uh, just find something interesting and find a way for it to pertain to Spike's soul," Giles replied, pinching the bridge of his nose and wishing he had his glasses.  Oh how he missed those glasses.  They were his everything.

Silence filled the room once more.

"OH MY GOSH!"

Those sitting at the table jumped in surprise and looked at the Slayer.

Buffy smiled and looked at the group.  "Spike.  Crying.  Tears.  Water.  Angst.  Angel…yada yada yada.  I figured out what it all means!"

"And…?" Dawn asked, waiting for a reply.

"Guys!  Spike has a soul!"

The group rolled their eyes and went back to looking through books.

Buffy huffed and puffed and pouted because no one applauded her on the amazing discovery she made all by herself.  Wasn't this supposed to be all about her anyway?  With a tremendous sigh she swaggered back over to the table.  Sitting down, she hugged Spike's jacket tightly around her because she'd seen him eyeing it before and there was no way he was getting this baby back.  With its sexy billowing effect and coolness factor, she could not afford to lose something this valuable.

"So, what are you guys doing anyway?" she asked.

"Research," the all mumbled in unison.

"Why?" she asked.

"Because Spike has a soul," Giles answered.

"Why?" the slayer asked again.

"Because he just does," Giles replied.

"Why?" Buffy asked once more.

Giles rolled his eyes.  "Because!  We're trying to figure that out!"

"Why?"  Buffy asked again.

She flinched when something hit her in the eye at super speed and frowned when she noticed a yellow crayon sitting in her lap.  She glared at the red-haired ex-witch, ex-Jew, Willow-shaped person sitting across from her.  Willow feigned innocence.

Spike snickered from his brooding corner.  Buffy scowled and shot the vampire a threatening look.

"Look, you evil, soulless, disgusting thing…!"

"Uh, hello!  Soulful now!" Spike shot back.

"Prove it!" Buffy challenged.

Spike thought about it, shrugged, smiled, and stood up.  Slowly he removed his top black shirt, much in the same way he'd done for Clem.  Buffy's eyes widened in lustful surprise.  Then Spike began to remove his second black shirt and Buffy sat in anticipation for the beauty that was Abs of Spike.  All she saw was shocking white and crude letters.  She read his shirt aloud.  "I…went…to…Africa…and…all…I…got…was…this…lousy…soul."

Spike smiled evilly even though he wasn't really evil.  "So there!"

Buffy pouted again because she didn't get the show from Spike she was hoping for.

Eventually, the gang found what they were looking for in the books realizing that Spike did, indeed, have a soul.  And there was no happiness clause attached to it.  And Buffy smiled because she could have sex with him all she wanted now.  And Xander frowned because beating up Spike would be wrong.  Xander's super powers were never explained, and never are, so everyone ignored the gaping plot hole.  And Giles murmured a few "Dear Lords" before deciding to make Spike a new watcher and therefore moving back to England to be with people closer to his age.  And Anya grabbed Super!Xander because she was horny, but she was always horny.  And Dawn left to start her own show because she wanted everything to be about her…dammit!  And Clem regained all his manly body fat, called Sophie, dated her, married her, and had many beautiful children with her.  And Willow started a world wide yellow crayon organization.  And ghost Tara smiled because she was just really sweet like that.  And Spike smiled because he recognized the look on Buffy's face, and knew that somehow, someday, he would get his beauty back with him for good.  It was his duster afterall.

So the Scoobies and the new soulful vampire started a professional business and all lived happily ever after.

Unfortunately, Angel was still stuck at the bottom of the Pacific.  Poor Angel.

THE END


End file.
